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Saturday, September 10, 2005 |
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| What's Wrong With Me?! |
Before i get into my D&M, i'll tell u a funny thing that happened today at work. Me and my frend went to the staff tearoom and were tryna decide where to sit and then CREEP waltzes in. I fully turned the other way to my frend, said "fuck" and tried to push her the opp way. He prob heard and saw me. My frend sed that i was pretty loud and she reckons that he prob thinks im the one that likes him! *yuk* and mayb he finks im a freak too, but hey im not the one who bloody walks thru ppl's convos! yeh yeh i will neva get ova that...but yeh he only got a cup of water and left, but me and my frend were there for a while and i swear afta about 15mins, creep comes bak in and sits on the other side of the room but i wasnt looking at him so my frend goes 'hes looking at u' even tho he wasnt, i swear shes so mean sumtimes. But yeh my frend also reckons that we'll end up dating but i was like not if i can help it *double yuk* and she was full goin (sarcastically) "why not? hes hot and sexy" and sumfing about his hair being sexy as well. She was SOOOO funny!! jst the way she says it man, cracks me up.
Anyway, on a more serious note...i duno wat was wrong with me today. Like i met amy.c afta work and we went shoe shopping for a bit. She was talkin to me, i was listening but i jst felt REALLY REALLY down for sum reason so i didnt talk much. Im finking that it had sumfing to do wit the fact that i saw HIM today walking around but we didnt talk or say hi or nething cuz it was too damn busy. Wud i be paranoid to fink that mayb hes avoiding me??? i duno, sumfing jst feels kinda wrong. All these mixed feelings were running thru me so it distracted me so much that i felt really down but i dont really fink i had a genuine reason to feel down. Do i make sense?! Like mayb it is cuz i didnt get to talk to him today and now i hav to wait another 2wks (half a month!) to see him again. But then thorts were running thru my mind about how i dont fink hes 'the one', by that i really mean a guy that i mite date. Or am i jst in denial?? Its like my feelings seem to only erupt wen i talk to him. Like it was weird, wen i saw him today at work, i wasnt even in one of my smiley moods. WHATS WRONG WITH ME?! AM I NORMAL FOR FUCKS SAKE??? Far out i piss my self off. I duno nemore, my feelings for him seem to be fading but i bet the next time i actually talk to him, it will start all over again. So i dont even kno wat the hell im feeling for him rite now. I jst cant imagine myself wit neone rite now for sum reason (so much for ur gut feeling ay helen! lol)
Im jst to the point where i dont even wana care nemore, ive jst been disappointed so many times before and i SWORE that if nfn happens wit him that i jst wont give a fucks damn about liking nemore fuck damn guys cuz im SICK TO DEATH of going thru the same fuck damn shit over and over and over again. Im sick of waiting, im sick of liking guys that dont like me bak, im sick of having the thort that this fuck damn world is out to get me cuz i kno that sumfing out there jst does not want me to be happy - I JST KNOW IT! they want me to die alone...sure i mite hav frends and family but its jst not the same without that special someone. Its like the more i want it, the more that sumfing out there wants to strip me from it. Mayb i shud jst convince myself that i WANT to be alone so that mayb there will be someone. But even if that doesnt work, mayb i DO want to be single. Mayb it is a gud thing for me...id prob hav too many probs cuz im neva gona find a guy that is gona giv me wat i want so i mite as well stop looking now. U kno wat?! mayb i shud even go LESBIAN cuz im sure that wud be a whole fuck damn easier than for me to get a FUCK DAMN guy!!! seriously, if i cant even get a guy to like me, mayb a chik will!
I hate having these breakdowns but wat can u do wen ur as insecure as me?? i feel like i jst dont hav enuff to offer a guy and so thats y no guy will come near me. omg i swear im about to cry, literally. My tears feel like they are about to come out of my eyes. God, i dont want to feel this way...i wish u cud send me an answer to this one major prob im having in my life rite now. I wish i knew if i wud EVER find a fuck damn guy and if i neva will, y not???? I swear if im 28 and still hav not even managed to get a guy to ask me out, i am gona question myself. Like am i THAT repulsive?!?! y can i hav so many diff kinds of frends yet i cant even get a guy to like me. If i can hav that many frends than surely i am at least likeable rite?? or r u all bitching about me behind my bak??? yeh that wud b gr8 to kno wudnt it, not only cant i get a guy but my frends r all not reali my frends *ARGH* im gona hav a mental breakdown...NEED LINKIN PARK NOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
.::.PeAcE.::.
((songs of the moment: LINKIN PARK - Don't Stay, Figure .09, From The Inside))
"I WONT WASTE MYSELF ON YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU"
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| $éÑøЯiŦå Confessed @ 7:26 pm |
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| 3 Comments: |
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Oh Jessi... @_@ I knew there was something wrong today but I didn't know how to ask. I was wondering if I was boring you or what...
No, your friends love you and so does your family I'm sure. And there's just no guy suitable right now, not because there's anything wrong with you or that you have nothing to offer. But more like, there isn't anyone at the moment who can offer YOU anything.
There's nothing I can say that can make you feel better about yourself or about your situation. But at the very least you should know that your friends will be here to support you (NOT to stab your back!).
Hope you feel better soon!
*HUGS*
(OO)
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*raises hand*
I'll be ur lesbian lover!!!!!
cuz i havent found a guy yet either.
And I'm a whole TWENTY years old... so if i haven't found one by age TWENTY i never will...
NEVER NEVER cuz 20 is just sooooooo old
like after 20 u can never ever find a guy...
Am i getting my point across here?
Cheer up! And remember
"Who knows what could happen, do what u do jst keep on laughing, one things true there's always a brand new day"
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If after 20 you can't find a guy, then what do single 30-year-olds say?
There are heaps worse things than not having a guy at age 20/21. Just think about the freedom that you have.
(OO)
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Oh Jessi... @_@ I knew there was something wrong today but I didn't know how to ask. I was wondering if I was boring you or what...
No, your friends love you and so does your family I'm sure. And there's just no guy suitable right now, not because there's anything wrong with you or that you have nothing to offer. But more like, there isn't anyone at the moment who can offer YOU anything.
There's nothing I can say that can make you feel better about yourself or about your situation. But at the very least you should know that your friends will be here to support you (NOT to stab your back!).
Hope you feel better soon!
*HUGS*
(OO)